So what actually happened?
Well on Saturday, April 16th I woke up like most days back then, miserable on the knowledge that I was working. I crawled out of bed and did my usual thing of checking emails and the site before I got ready and what's this? Oh the sites down. No worries thought I, I'll reboot the server and that'll do it! But no, this did not fix it... or rather I couldn't access the server to reboot it and I have none of the usual cron job emails that I get. So this might be serious methinks. But I have work to go to so I head off hoping it'll be back by home time. I do my shift and nope, still down so I start checking with the host. For a few days me and countless others get fobbed off with a "we're investigating" message and then we get WONDERFUL news. They let an automated cleanup script loose that deleted thousands of Virtual Private Servers, ours included (we use these instead of a dedicated server as that's all we need atm). So they keep us going with promises of data recovery efforts and eventually about 2 or 3 weeks later I get told that nope, it's all gone. So it's now May and the site needs rebuilt from the ground up and as I was a retard and left the backups on the server, the last DB I have is the one from when we moved from MyBB to vB. Fantastic.
During all this I was also moving jobs, and generally being lazy as fuck so that's why it took me ages.
Sorry about that.
TL;DR = Host cocked up, I'm lazy and shit went tits up. It's back now though. <3 :P